I'm gonna step out on a limb here and let some more of my true colors show.  I miss her.  Its hard as hell to say that and not sound so contradictory, but its the truth.  I shouldn't miss her at all, but I do.  I don't miss the way she treated me, I don't miss her yelling at me for no reason, I don't miss her making me feel like I'm an inch tall.  But I miss the way I felt when we were on a good day.  I miss the way we used to stay up all night talking.  I miss her holding me and letting me cry when I had a bad day.  And after all the shit she put me through I shouldn't miss her but damn it I can't help myself.  I let the truth spill and I acted on pure instinct.  I know that after everything that has happened she will never forgive me and that is one thing that I need so much.  Why she would deny me that after all the shit I've forgiven her for is beyond me, but its her choice and I have to live with that.  It shouldn't matter to me what she thinks, what she feels, any of it because she never considered how I felt.  When it came to doing something that she wanted to do, she was going to do it regardless of what anyone thought or how it would make anyone feel.  I don't know why her acceptance is so important.  I can say in my head all day long that she doesn't mean shit to me, but if that was the case then my heart wouldn't be hurting like it is now.  I hate her for what she did to me, but I hate myself for putting up with it for so long.  So why is it so hard for me to let go and why is it so easy for her to forget?  Because she used me to get over SOMEONE and I thought it was real, so I let my heart fall for her.  I fell for a lie and she let me do it because it was more convenient for her.  And to those of you who are reading this (you know who you are) if you don't like it, thats your problem because you didn't have to come on here and look.  My time seems to be dragging and I keep waiting on something good to happen, something to come along and fill the void that I feel in the deepest parts of me.  If the waiting doesn't kill me, thinking of her will.  I'm sure that if you're reading this, it gives you great pleasure to know all of this.  You always took pleasure out of my times of despair.  You took everything else away from me, so why not this?  Why not take my last bit of sanity?  Claim it as your own, but if you take this last piece of me, kill me afterwards; put me out of my misery.  Cause I don't want to live the rest of my life with you in my head.

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